rihanna is not a punching bag, chris

Hm, so I’ve been sluffin on this blog posting business. My beezy yo. I see my cohorts (linked to the right) have also fallen off the blogosphere. wtf gook in korea?! My motivation has been waning and the white man has been tryin to keep me occupied at work, but its all good (from diego to the bay, your city is the bomb if your city making pay, throw up a finger if you feel the same way, dre puttin it down for californ-i-a), I could never abandon my loyal fan base. I know you guys log on (or check that RSS feed if you’re white and educated) to see what me and t-pain gots to say on the daily son. Read on, for a little glimpse into my world recently…

So a few weeks ago I went on a police ride-along with the SPD-souf precinct AKA the ghetto. Yes, the place you keep hearing about on the news: Rainier Valley, MLK Way, the battle zone for the CD thugs vs the Rainier Beach gangbangers. This was tight cuz I was in the front passenger seat for everything. The regular traffic stop, the hostile traffic stops (involving multiple units and madd weaponry), and the high-speed chases (multiple). I was also chillin up there while we booked this middle-aged Vietnamese lady for DUI. Peepz the pics of her recklessness:

We hit up Subway for lunch (at 1 AM), heard stories about the many crazy people out there, hassled some neeg teens loitering in a park after hours, hassled some gangsters, and searched for gun casings from an apparent drive-by. We also visited Mt Baker to tell some rowdy neegs to quiet down their houseparty. I never knew black people could actually live in Mt Baker.

Conclusion: This is definitely an exciting job, and if I weren’t so trigger-happy, I just might be interested. If I ever did become a cop, there would be an extraordinary rise in racially-motivated shootings. Dark people are scary in the dark, so shoot first and ask questions later right?

Now that summer has come and gone, though the weather has stayed sexy for longer than usual, tis time for the ‘09 summer highlights recap:

Ben’s Cabin – AYCE oysters and clams is no joke. We did things man-style and cooked everything on a small charcoal grill (gas is for biiiitches). First night it was burgers and sausages paired with a taste from the rockies, ice-cold Coor’s Light. The next day it was a SeaFest of oysters and clams, and the newly created ClamDogs and ClamBurgers. Suffice to say, both creations were a miserable failure.

At night, while completely sober and in pitch black conditions, we made a short hike to the main street. For some reason this was weird to me, yet very memorable. I started the night sleeping on the carpet next to a soccer ball, then I moved to a lounge chair. Somewhere during this time, the mexican decided to completely destroy the toilet and require the services of a plunger for relief. I hope he learned his lesson.

Much props to Ben for coming through real major, Pablo for pushin the honey-wagon whip, and Brian for toning down the gay. Much hate to the flakers who were not in attendence.

Vegas - Bachelor party. 115 degrees. Caesars. Hot black girl. Bottle service. Tao. Subway. Club XS. Ellis Island. Harrah’s buffet. In-N-Out.

I don’t need to say much else, except that this was a fun trip. Oh, and hot black girl from the PCD section of Caesars casino, please come find me. PLEEEASEEE?! You are tremendously bangin and you made me money. Gah, we should just get married. Oh, and yet again I ended up sleeping in a lounge chair for two nights, wtf?

Hm, thought I had more to write about my summer. This is sad. I guess I could include the return of tpain to the lovely confines of the 206, but I have yet to decide if that’s a highlight or a lowlight… OOOOH SNAPz! Anyways, very solid summer, and better than the year before, but its hard to top 2006 or prior.

Review of recent albums (songs in bold are must-listen):

Colbie Caillat – Breakthrough: Very solid album. I wouldn’t say its better than her first, but its definitely easy to listen to the entire album all the way through. She needs to get crackin on some swanky music videos. Notable tracks: Begin Again, You Got Me, Fallin For You, Rainbow, Droplets, I Never Told You, Fearless, Runnin Around, Break Through, It Stops Today, Lucky (even though Jason Mraz is a gay). Bonus album notables: What I Wanted to Say, Don’t Hold Me Down, and Never Let You Go.

Letoya – Lady Love: All her bangers leaked before her album, so you could say I’m disappointed with this. But with a third of her tracks ranging from good to “hmm, tasty”, this is a slightly above average album. She also needs to get crackin on some sexy music videos with her fine ass self. Notable tracks: She Ain’t Got, Lazy, Not Anymore, Good To Me, Regret, I Need A U, Take Away Love, and Don’t Need U.

Jay-Z – BluePrint 3: Holla atcha boy, Young Hov is back. The leaked singles definitely got me excited for this album. And while Jay-Z may no longer be a lyrical mastermind (eh, his style never completely won me over), he still puts out some very tasty songs. Production from kanye and No ID is what really makes this album. Collabo’s with Mr Hudson (a white guy?!), Rihanna (I bet Jay-Z hit this harder than Chris Brown, but without his hands, naw mean?), Young Jeezy (voice so hoarse, his name should be porsche), Drake (this guy is blowing up faster than tomas’ bout with ghonerrea), and the mighty fine Alicia Keys help as well. I’ll put this one slightly below the Black Album, cuz that thang had some anthems (BRUSH YO SHOULDER OFF NIG!) on it. Notable bangers: Run This Town, Empire State of Mind, Real As It Gets, Already Home, Reminder, Young Forever.

Fabolous – Loso’s Way: Eh. This guy’s style is just really starting to turn me off. He’s starting to sound more like Flo Rida to me, and that is NOT a good look, homie. He’s got some nice collabo’s with Lil Wayne and Ne-Yo, but its apparent that Fabo has fallen off. Or maybe my tastes have changed? NEVAR! Notable bangers: Imma Do It (chorus only), Salute, and Makin Love.

Ace Hood – Ruthless: You’re prob like, yo Rdeezy, who the hell is ace hood? Well, besides his catchy slick name, this guy puts out some real gutta music. Gutta with a capitol G. Yeah, so his ryhmes aren’t sophisticated or thought-provoking, but its quite evident from his small vocabulary, this neeg spits from the heart and his beats are real head-knockers. Drums, snares, and bASS in yo face will have your bumpin this album in your car for days. Notable bangers: Born an OG, Champion, Get Money, Loco with the Cake, Love Somebody, and Overtime.

Mariah Carey – Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel: Quick listen through. Not bad. Will go through it more thoroughly in the coming weeks. Funny thing is the 50 jizzilion versions of her song “Obssessed”. Might she be a bit obsessed with that song? See what I did there? Clever word-play no? Yes. Nod your head.

Here’s some old singles that I forgot to post about (no links for anything, cuz I’m way too lazy):

taylor swift – you belong to me, backstreet boys – soldier down, bsb – all in my head, michelle branch – sooner or later, asia cruise – no thanks to you, chris brown – changed man, marie digby – surrender, jojo – forever in my life, beyonce – poison, beyonce – slow love, atozzio – any day, rich girl – lucky you are, ne-yo – easy, flo rida ft ne-yo – be on you, chris brown – hollow, and mario – highway to love

Here are some newer singles that I’ve been boppin my head to more recently:

colby o’donis – talkin bout us, drake – forever, jojo – wrong man for the job, nivea – look back, omarion ft lil wayne – get it in, jordin sparks – colours, jordin sparks – walk the walk, juvenile – gotta get it, juvenile – hands on you, bsb – this is us, young money – money, beyonce – control, lil eddie – perfect time, toni braxton – i hate love, and toni braxton – yesterday

Toni Braxton and the BACKSTREET BOYS are back!!!

Random fact of the moment: Notepad is awesome, no frou frou ass fonts, formatting, and other bs. I use it all day everyday. And if you don’t know, now you know nigga. Then GI Joe said, “And knowing is half the battle.”

Line of the moment: “it may not mean nothing to y’all, but understand nothing was done for me, so i don’t plan on stopping at all, i want this shiz forever man…”

Before I leave for now, I noticed its apparently cool to post videos again, so enjoy this:

Hard Knocks S05E01 – Chad Ochocinco: "Child Please"

Please believe I will incorporate that into my shit-talking vernacular, niggas. CHILD PLEASE…

Link, because this embedding shit is not working: Stewie – Squiggly Line

That is so true, Stewie. I too have a squiggly line in my eye. My doctor called it a floater. Sometimes when I wake up early, I just lay there in bed trying to look at it. But the squiggly line is evasive and always eludes my focus.

Signin out for now, this is my new alter-ego:

-dre’mond

Imma Let You Finish

Man, I’m sure most people are sick of hearing about it by now…but Kanye West…dude cracks me the f’ up. The whole meme that’s started also makes me lolz, I was hopin it was going to turn into one and the internetz didn’t disappoint. That’s about all I’ve got to say on this.

Finally got around to checkin out some new music. I think I’m going through a phase of feelin the manufactured, guilty-pleasure, top 40 pop right now. Anyways, here’s some of what I’ve been listening to lately.

Blue Scholars-OOF EP. Sure most of you heard this/about it by now. Personal fav would have to be New People. Glad to hear they’re continuing to switch things up (and not sounding like crap).

Tsunenori-Asunaro. Hella hard to remember song name and artist name. Been a while since I got some stuff from Japan that was on point to this degree. Some good chill stuff on their latest album Promising. This would be me favorite song off the album at the moment. Warning to those with Raymond-ish/boring tastes, there is little talk on this album.

Stuck in my head stuff. Jason DeRulo-Watcha Say: JR really got a catchy sample from that Imogen Heap song, yes yes hate all you want but that song is fuckin mad stuck in my head right now. If you want a similar sounding song check out Replay by some dude named IYAZ, basically the skinny Sean Kingston (who happens to be another person JR produces for. I’m guessing JR made bank off that dude, so why not do it again I guess). Also Jay Sean-Down ft. Lil Wayne has been stuck in my head, no comment on this one, I’m sure you’ve probably heard it on the radio. Note: this does not mean I’m becoming a Lil Weezy fan.

Leona Lewis-Happy. Leona teams up again with Ryan Tedder, another smash???? I would have to say no, we’ll see what Raymond has to say though. Sometimes I think that nig uses a Magic 8 ball to determine if he likes a song or not so who knows what he’ll say. (Song starts at 1:00)

Alicia Keys-Doesn’t Mean Anything. Not bad, lil’ piano, uptempo-ish beat.

Brother Ali-US Album. The whitest white rapper is back. I’m still just gettin through this one. Worth checkin out from what I’ve listened to so far.

Its been pretty slow this summer in terms of new releases, I’ve still got Keri Hilson in the deck wtf. I believe this fall things should be pickin up a bit though. New Mariah (congrats on finally NOT naming an album like you’re 12), Alicia, Sean Kingston, Way out West (bout time), Leona Lewis, John Mayer (bout time again), Katherine McPhee, Memphis Bleek (damn, dude is still around? …and rapping? whoa), Lil Wayne (don’t count on it, this’ll probably be pushed to 2010. Nig flakes harder than Raymond on a Saturday night), Backstreet Boys, and oh snapz, Mr. Hudson is releasing an album. Things sound promising for the next few months.

Damn, I just realized this blogs been around for almost two years. Jeebus. I wonder if “White girls with booty” is still the most popular post. Note to self, title next post something sexual and get mad hits.

Finally a lil northwest tip. The new Bravern in Bellevue. Paaassssssss son. Well…might be a good place for Raymond to go catch his cougar.

<insert kanye west meme here>,
tpain

I am T-Pain. Lol that app cracks me up.

Mark your calendars peeps! November 10th. Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. NOVEMBER. ONE. ZERO. Shiaaaaaaat. If you don’t see any posts from me in November… December… January…… or 2010 at all it’ll probably be because of this and maybe Starcraft 2. Damn I’ve been to too many video game conventions this year. Note to anyone listening, booth babes are overhyped. Its all a matter of “relativity”, crapz is that even the word I’m lookin for? Anyways when the ratio is 200:1 and the girl is not a whale she is probably lookin at least decent in an environment like that. So don’t bother going to conventions to look at the booth babes, at least anymore. All the old timers always talk about how things used to be…but they also do that about pretty much everything else. One other thing about gaming conventions, bring uh some lotion, scented lotion preferably. Why? Because those things be gettin mad funky sometimes and a bit of lotion on the upper lip can help mask the smell of thousands of people that don’t have regular shower schedules. Oh, while we are on the subject of games (and lotion) I wanted to congratulate my blogger buddy Ray on his reaching level 55 in cod4. Nice son, I thought you’d given up. Well that’s enough of the gamer talk for now, feel free to visit the Mex to the Max blog for more/real gaming talk.

So with my birthday coming up and all just thought I’d tell you all about my new favorite clothing brand, you know just in case. Its called Ed Hardy by (theee man) Christian Audigier. That shts like having a giant dope tattoo but its on your shirt so A) it’s on your clothes instead of under them so everyone can see it much more easily and B) a few years from now you won’t be like WTF was I thinking and have to pay $10000 to get that ugly shiat removed. Seriously, I don’t think anyone can pull off that brand, not even the dark ones and they can pull off anything. Well that’s what I used to think until I saw Ed Hardy on a black person. Here’s an example of the brand, just in case anyone doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I’m sure you’ve seen someone wearing it around, you probably just thought god that’s ugly and then forgot about it.

Don’t look too long or you might get a headache. One more example…just so Ray can stop hating on me for not having a picture of a girl in my posts.

Guess this just proves even more that once you get a celebrity to wear your crap people will follow. I’m sure a couple years from now we’ll be like Ed Hardy, oh I remember that, LOL. Until then we’ll just have to suffer through it together. Oh and if you do own some Ed Hardy stuff and this offended you…hmmmmm. Ok.

Lets seee, other stuff I said I’d post…Sloan certification. Eh, Raymond can you take care of this? I’m writing this post in bed right now and too lazy. Maybe I’ll just do it in my next post.

Til next time,
Tpain

PS: Anyone wanna hit up FurryCon 2010?

My name’s T-Pain and I have a blog…

…that I’m not very good at posting on. Its been a hectic few months since my last post, sorry about the lack of anything from me. Luckily Raymond has been keepin things goin with some activity (fock, seems like I’m always sayin that). I’ll just say growin up kinda sucks sometimes, things aren’t so black and white like they were back in the day. No worries though life’s good and things have a funny way of always workin themselves out in the end.

So…onto my post. I’m puttin in a call for a new header photo for our blog. Any ideas anyone? Minka Kelley pic? Or Sloan perhaps? Raymond’s whip? Which btw I still haven’t had a chance to drive. How about hmmmmmm, photo of Seattle? Eh who knows. Maybe a complete redesign is in order. Anyways, I’m thinkin its time to change up the header pic not because its getting old or any less sexy but because that little bicycle is no longer in my possession…yup focking took me forever to finally put her up on the craigslist but yea, sold her last Monday.

So lets go back, waaaaaaaaay back-to 2006 for a lil recap on my experiences owning a motorcycle. Lets see, took the motorcycle safety training class I think in February or something-by myself (the two who flaked on me shall remain nameless for now). Highly recommended as the best way to get your endorsement FYI. I guess I told my parents it was for me to become a better automobile driver??? Haha, wow. Anyways, the itch finally got to me and I got a bike in November, a little Ninja 250. Awesome first bike I think. I had that thing for about 5 months, put a few thousand miles on it and sold it for about $500 more than I bought it for. Cha-ching or “stackin’ them chips” as some of you would say. Next it was onto the 2007 R6. Man I remember riding that thing off the lot that first day, must have had the hugest, goofy-ass grin on my face ever. Luckily no one could see my retarded self under the helmet. Such a difference goin from the Ninja to that. Over the next couple years or so I logged a lot of miles on that thing just hittin up roads around the northwest (St. Helens, Neah Bay, 101, Myst, on and on). I keep trying to convince the gaymond to take the mr2 out on those roads but to no avail. Man, those days of gettin up at 6 or 7 for a Sunday morning ride and hittin the road before anyone else is really out of bed were awesome. Pretty much silence out there except for the bike at those times and you have the roads all to yourself. I’ll probably miss doin those more than anything else. Night rides, especially group night rides were also a blast. Anyways, good memories and I consider myself fortunate to have made it for as long as I did without f’in myself up. There were some close calls there for sure. I kept my gear so I could probably end up with another bike someday down the line, we’ll see. In the meantime I’m gonna try to get back into snowboarding, I gotta have some kind of hobby that gets me outside (otherwise I’ll never hear the end of it from my mom).

Big change up on the technologies front too. I’ve decided to move over into the land of the Mac for a little while just to see how things are. Don’t worry I won’t be on Steve Jobs’s nuts anytime soon. Just figured I’ve done the Windows thing for a while and the Linux thing; might as well try the Apple now. So my next post will probably be comin at you from some small independent coffee shop while I sip my chai-latte and look down at all the eewwwwwwie pc users around me. I will also rock the nerd glasses while I do this. Maybe an extra small t-shirt from Urban Outfitters, can’t forget the skinny jeans either. Hipster for life son.

Not too much on the musica front lately, I’ve been mad sluffin’. Hopefully I’ll get back on it in time for my next post. DJ Okawari dropped a new album recently, couple stand outs for me so far are Luv Letter and Evening Comes 2. The new Nomak, Musik & Foto is pretty good too. Should I even bother to peep the latest Eminem? Anyone? Yeah I know that ish came out mad long ago but I haven’t had much motivation to even look into it. Anything I’ve heard about it hasn’t been good…at all. Speaking of bad albums, I wonder when the next Lil Wayne disc is coming out, Raymond???

I’ll try and get another post together in the next month and get back into the habbit of regular posts (has that ever been a habit for me actually?).

-t out

PS: possible topics for next time: a little reflection on the City of Angels, Sloan certification, my new favorite clothing brand, random ranting, and maybe stories about my good friend who happens to be a reindeer.

PSS: I realized there’s no media in this post, so here’s a lil clip to check out from my favorite actor, haha.

you can do it, put your back into it…

Digital Freestyle Fridays debuted with a battle of wits featuring emcee The Brain (me, hailing fresh out of Seattle) vs. B-boy Kim Jong il (Eric, reppin Pyongyang to the fullest). Transcripts of the sick ass ryhmes follow:

Things started off slow with disconnected one-liners:

me: this ray, lights up your day
Eric: lights up your day, like a dish by bobby flay
me: cut off those lines, cuz man they bees gay
i can continue, man i can go all day
Eric: don’t tempt me to retort, you’ll end up in the death report
m’fer acting like this a game like tron, but i’ll school you like cam’ron

Then, with some help from Rick Ross, the real ryhmes started flowing:

me: look up at the stars, she like honey where’s the roof
pull up hear the dogs canaries, they goin woof
Eric: then move to the corner, try to act aloof
to ‘void the 5-0 from knocking me for truf (truth)
me: i bake bread but i gotta wait for it to proof
make the po-pos go away like magic say *poof*
have em come to your door knock you straight in the toof (tooth)
Eric: then pull out that gin and juice, rock it with the homies and blaze up that spruce
now i’m feeling like scrappin with some bitches like yous
me: ride your girl like a horse, but her hoof is loose
DOUBLE PTS!!!
Eric: ahahahaha
ok i admit defeat
i think i’d just be vying to beat that line for the rest of the battle

Eric: i’ll start this one slow, so you can follow my flow,
if it confuse you like dro, lemme know, i’ll i’ll take it to slo-mo
kkk, wow that’s bad…but at least an easy one to build off
me: uhoh, you stealin the weezy stutter
you take it slow, cuz your brain cant grow, at a pace that will match to your race, uh-oh, i switched up the ryhme
Eric: don’t stress it ain’t no crime, knowing your limits it was only a matter of time
before you ran out of lines, like bobby brown ‘fore he hit his and mine
me: im generous so let me drop you a line, a dime for key it’ll make you feel divine, sniff snort pop pills all the time, you madd f’d up got you riding on the pine
‘riding on the pine’ like sitting on the end of the bench… on a team sport
OOOOH
i just explained it son
Eric: riding on the pine? you musta heard your moms last night riding on mine
making insinuations like i ain’t even trying, like you ain’t even lying, in every rhyme, sipping wine, trying to get you hine-
E be my name, don’t let it wane… like the brothers incorporated, i done let it be stated, you ain’t nothing just cuz you act like you incarcerated
me: i was lock’d up in your love straight jaded, i walk behind smokers to get a lil faded, then my face sometimes contorts like i’m gettin masterbated
Eric: masterbated? this guy talking like sex overrated, like the fish juice is locked up and steel-plated, and crated around, underground, or buried under the Sound
of the Puget, you lose it?
aiight i’ll pause til you catch up like whoo kid
me: it aint overrated, its just that i dated, the mother of your child, who had me all elated, me and her mated, but kept it a secret, now you taking care of my son gold plated

Even Mr. Fresh Prince of Bel Air himself, Will Smith, made a cameo appearance to spit a few of his notoriously child-friendly bars:

Will Smith: i do homework all day to get straight A’s, i love all kinds of people the straights and the gays, i try my best to stay away from that purple haze, but sometimes i relax with a book and some earl gray

Stay tuned for the next session of Digital Freestyle Fridays. Hopefully they will feature some better ryhmes… and maybe The Brain won’t be constantly interupted by co-workers, whilst splittin hot fiiiiire.

Breezy Alert!

Yo, I want to give madd props to Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California. Not only for being ridiculously hot, but for keeping it real and speakin up. While I can’t say I agree or disagree with her stated opinion (that gays shouldn’t be able to legally marry), I give her triple DAPS for her response to a question from a gay judge (Perez Hilton?), in front of a huge live and tv audience, which took some major courage. Unlike all them other boogie-ass rehearsed answers to those other lame questions. Me, being a man, a tremendous one at that, am fine with the homos and their lifestyle choice. I mean, I have a good friend named Pablo, who chooses to play the catcher position in a two-man game of baseball, so it’s all good in the hood. ~paging Doctor Faggot!~

Here’s some pics for the uninformed:

Mmm, delicious, white girl

Cali breezys > WA breezys. Its no contest.

RESPECT
I’m not gonna speak in detail about MJ’s passing, because the media has already covered the shiz out of it. I’m also not down with his over-glorification, cuz he was an admitted pedobear, but he did make some good music. Nigs are coming all out of the woodwork to celebrate Steve McNair and MJ’s life… why couldn’t they do the same for real American heroes like Fredrick Douglas or Ed McMahon?

Also, peepz the tribute to MJ from The Game Ft. Diddy, Chris Brown, Boyz II Men, and Polow Da Don – Better On the Otherside. Chorus is hot, but The Game kinda phones in his lines. Props to Diddy for phonetically pronouncing philanthropy: fil-lan-tro-py. Apparently this is a common problem with celebrities:
www.jlaforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=7103448.

RIP Walter Cronkite. I don’t know much about you, but you deserve some props for speaking the truth about the Vietnam War.

On the real though, I feel more sadness over the passing of Farrah Fawcett, than these other celebs. I never really knew much about her, or gave her many props cuz she’s just another blonde actress who attended Lakers games when I despised them. But I gained some newfound respect for her, after watching the documentary focusing on her struggles with cancer. Moment of silence, son.

New Music

-Nicole Scherzinger – Save Me From Myself. Average slow song from a hottie with much body.
-Stevie Hoang – Changes, I’ll Be Fine, Turn U On, I’m Missing You, and U Turn. Interesting, a Chinese dude in Britain (with a british accent!) who started as a music producer, then started singing. Not the best vocalist out there, but def got some catchy r&b tracks.
-Richgirl Ft. Chris Brown – Smile & Wave. Catchy little pop song. I’ll probably play this out in a week.
-Marie Digby – Surrender. Another youtube sensation with catchy pop songs?!? Similar to Michelle Branch, who is awesome and greatly missed.
-Lil Eddie Ft. Tiwa Savage – Love Next Door. More catchy pop songs, wheredafuc is all the rap at?
-Ryan Teddar – Gravity. Sounds like a demo track for another artist, but yet again, the lead singer of One Republic killsss it.
-Jay Sean – Why Why Why. Just found out this guy is Indian. Not like hyoh-hyoh-hyoh Native American Indian, but like Mahatma Ghandi Indian. Um yea, decent second single with too much handclap.
-Gorilla Zoe – Echo. So yea, this isn’t new, and I’d heard it before, but they were blaring it in the clubs in Vegas and this song sounds ridiculously tight at 120dB with a bit of loosey juice in your system. Peepz it if you haven’t.
-Jay-Z Ft. Kanye West & Rihanna – Run This Town. A rap track fom da hova, oooh. Head noddin beat with some nice ryhmes from Jay and Yeezy. Rihanna’s voice seems to have gotten more annoying after ChrisBreezy laid a beating on her.

Jordin Sparks – Battlefield. [ALBUM]

Wow, I did not expect much out of this album at all, but damn was I wrong. Some slower bangers to vibe out to, and some faster big name production tracks for beat-maker-jockers like my co-blogger (wheredafuckistpain?). I can safely say that if Jordin Sparks was actually hot, she would absolutely BLOW UP.

Anyways, here’s the notable tracks thus far: Walking on Snow, Battlefield, It Takes More, Watch You Go, Post card, and Paper cut. After just a week of perusing, this has already surpassed the Esmee Denters album… I think.

SLOAN is baaaaack!

Its the best time of the year right now, beautiful weather, longs days of sun light, and the best tv show out there, Entourage has returned! No HBO? Watch that shiz online or download it. You have no excuse for not being hip to this show. Go here to see all past episodes and even the new ones: ENTOURAGE. You can blame tpain if you get addicted and end up watching 10 episodes in one sitting.

The last season of this show was a little disappointing, but this new season’s premiere brought a smile to my face with the return of the best looking breezy to EVAR appear on the show: Sloan AKA my future wife AKA the first-ever SMASH-certified hottie AKA Emmanuelle Chiriqui!

Pics for your enjoyment:

Perk-y

Oh so beautiful. I bet she was reading this blog on her laptop.

Next time, maybe a post with more substance, but I’m crip-walkin out for now…

-JamMasterRay

po-po-po-poke her face

Apologies for the lateness of this post, I’ve been busy depleting the ocean of its shellfish and building an awesome model car (pics to come later). Hopefully this is worth the wait. Let’s start off with some albums I’ve been diggin recently. Songs in bold are must-listens!

Rick Ross – Deeper Than Rap
Notable tracks: Mafia Music, Maybach Music 2, Usual Suspects, Rich Off Cocaine, Lay Back, and In Cold Blood. The BOSSS is back with his gangsta rap. I like bumpin this while driving to work, while doing work at work, and doing work at home… in my bed. Tracks can get you hyped and ready to go slang some rocks. He really shouldn’t be shirt-less in all of his music videos though…

Mat Kearney – City of Black & White
Notable tracks: All I Have, Closer To Love, Here We Go, Lifeline, Runaway Car, Never Be Ready, Annie, and Straight Away. Most of these tracks are good ‘work music’. Just toss on the headphones and play it in the background to drown out them annoying voices and sounds of people actually being productive.

Imogen Heap – Speak For Yourself
Notable Tracks: Headlock, Goodnight and Go, Have You Got it in You, Loose Ends, Hide and Seek, Clear the Area, The Walk, and Just for Now. Yeah I know this album came out in 2005, and I’m hella late, but better late than never right? Seriously the best album I’ve heard in a long time. About the opposite end of the spectrum from the nigga music t-pain loves, but he needs to give this album a try, as do YOU!

Special shouts for two more amazing songs from her that are not on this album: Speeding Cars and Frou Frou – Let Go.

Esmee Denters – Outta Here
Notable Tracks: Victim, Outta Here, Gravity, What If, Getting Over You, Just Can’t Have It, Casanova, Bigger Than the World, and Sad Symphony. The first artist signed to sexy Justin Timberlake’s music label is a youtube sensation. This album features big-name production, so if you like to jock people named Timbaland and Danja, you should peeps it. Originally I gave this a 3/5 stars for bravely trying to copy Jojo’s amazing style. But after some repeated listens, I’ll give her a final tally of 4/5 stars cuz I think I’m hooked.

I haven’t happened upon any bangin hip-hop lately, so here’s some lovely boys and girls R&B music. Scrounge for the links yourselves:

Keri Hilson – Hurts Me (mos def should’ve been on the album. 5/5 starsss)
Brandy – Love Me the Most, Back and Forth
Christina Milian Ft. Kanye – Diamonds (kanye is actually barable)
Monica – Once in a Lifetime (new album coming soon?)
Toni Braxton – Not a Chance, Heart Never Had a Hero (new album coming soon?)
Paula Deanda – Back From Alone (new album coming soon? last one in 06 was a bangHER.)
LeToya – She Ain’t Got Shit on Me (new album coming soon? man she was lookin fiiine in her first music video after she got cut from Destiny’s Child.)

Jaicko Lawrence – Dreaming About You (no idea who this is, but catchy soulja boy beat, without the horrifical soulja boy)
Jaicko Lawrence – Not Tryna Fall In Love (wow, let me proclaim this neeg the next Chris Brown/Ne-Yo, but uglier)
Jay Sean Ft. Lil Wayne – Down (a lil electro-pop for tpain, featuring his fav rapper)
Ne-Yo – Lincoln Continental (sums up how i feel most of the time, but the beat is kind of annoying)
Ryan Teddar – Battlefield (way better than Jordin Sparks version)
Tyrese – Take Me Away (tpain loves the vocoder)
Usher – What’s a Guy to Do (new album coming soon? maybe another video with the HOTTT keri hilson?!)

PICTURE STORY ALERT!!!

Just in case any movie producers are reading this blog, here’s a random story about my traveling sweat pants (its contains pictures for the slow kids with ADD):

Recently, something tragic happened to me and my beloved sweat pants. I decided to post about it because my sweats are my friend (and because this blog seems to be lacking content that will draw in new readership). Let me begin this story with a journey way back in time…

It was the year 2001, and I was just a gangsta thug roaming the aisles of a Westfield mall in the heart of Sydney, Australia (yes, black people can travel internationally too). I stumble into a Foot Locker to check what’s poppin off with sneakerheads in the Land Down Under. No sexy shoes to see, but I spot a bombtastic pair of Saucony Athletic sweat pants in my favorite color, GREY. Not gray, not silver, GREY. They have cargo pockets on the side, where I can stash my brown paper bag money, so I knew I had to copz.

Problem is, my paper stackz is low from my daily visits to McDonald’s for soft serve ice cream cones… so I hollur at my momz, and she spots me some bills. I got home and started rockin my sweats with the tags still on. Straight fresh to def like my main man Hugh Hef. Back in Seattle, I rock the sweats everywhere. Out to eat, everyday to school, to kick it with the homies, and to the gym.

Paired with my fav shoes of all-time (grey nike huraches)!
Pls ignore the enormous bulge in the crotch-region, some things just can’t be hidden.

One sad night (July 4th), I made the poor decision to wear my sweats to a roman candle fight. Now I’m not talking about your run of the mill, boogie wack-ass stand 30 ft from each other on some strategic type battle shit. I’m talking about some in yo face, afghani mountain guerilla warfare, 2-on-1 business. Now in battle number three of the night, I’m gettin lit up by two converging enemies when suddenly a stray flaming ball of fury hits my sweat pants just above the right pocket. Hella amped from the action, I continue on double-fisting with roman candles ablazing, unbeknownst to the mini-fire burning a hole through my beloved sweats. Finally alerted to the wildfire, I extinguish the flames with the palm of my hand, Clint Eastwood style, you gook. I had my dad sew a patch over the hole and the pants remain rock-able.

Fast forward to now, and I’ve relegated my sweats to sleepwear. Ask some of the lucky ladies that have joined me in the COCKpit of my sleeping vessle and 7 months out of the year I’m rocking my sweats to bed every night. The wear and tear has begun to show. The sweats no longer fit snugly around my waist, so I have to tug them up with every other step. This has caused the fabric to wear very thin at the ‘pull-up’ points (just imagine where black people hold onto their jeans when they’re running away from the cops).

Fast forward to yesterday, and I’m chillin in the kitchen, cookin up some nice grits and collard greens with a slice of watermelon and grape soda… and my sweats start slippin down. No biggie, this happens all the time. Two hands on my backside, pull up, and the pants should be proper. Except no, this time, things were different. I grasped my sweats firmly, and as I went to lift them up above ass-line (I sag for the homies in prison who can’t do so) I feel a strange poke come through… my finger has tragically pierced through the worn fabric area on my sweats.

Worn fabric area, hole, and patched hole.

In a fit of rage, I remove my sweat pants and toss them to the ground in a disgusted fashion. How could my sweats be ruined? I used Snuggle fabric softner, so you would last a lifetime (and for that hella cute bear). I can’t wear clothes that have more than one hole in them. That crosses the line from gangsta to nigga-poor…

Finally accepting the fact, I picked up my sweats and gently laid them out on a chair. From now on, I’m gonna leave these sweat pants in my car. I’ll be just like Linus from Peanuts, except instead of a blanket, I have my sweat pants. Hate if you want… I just love my sweat pants.

THE END!

I can’t leave tpain without something to dream about at night, besides him sitting behind me on a Yamaha R6 50th Anniversary motorcycle, so enjoy… the many faces (and bodies) of the caucasian female.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: all-natural beautifulnessnessness.

Blake Lively: meh I don’t think I’m diggin it at all, but tpain might.

Carrie Underwood: damn look at them legs. legs for daaaays son. I’ll take them legs with a side of cole slaw and biscuits… is what a black guy would say. Damn Tony Romo, you are a crazy man for passing on that. Though following it up with Jessica Simpson is like passing on clam chowder for seafood bisque, either way you’re eating good in the neighborhood.

Also, this dude reminds me of my homosexual friend Pablo, who is almost this COOL:

outro.

-hurRAYcane

Hit ‘em with that one two son.

Wow, first time ever? Two posts within 12 hours, something must be in the air. Kinda difficult following up that last post, I would have to say out all those facebook 25 thingie lists I read Raymond’s was the only one that had my loling for more than a few items (just for reference I read a total of 4 of those lists). So a big pat on the back for you buddy for makin me laugh a great deal. I’ll get ya a beer next time…and maybe a breezy to go along with it? The logistics of how I’m gonna repay that debt confuzzle me now.

So, this post is a lil jacked. I had written most of it up at work a couple weeks ago during a late night while my comp was processing some junk…then I lost my phone a couple days later. Steve Jobs hooked it up though and was all along secretly copying all of my iPhone info to my computer and probably off to some huge secret Apple database, so yeah, no worries I still have all yall’s digits. Not that I ever call anyone anyways.

So, back to the original subject of my post…personal space aka the space bubble aka one’s ‘kinesphere’ (wtf? I guess there’s a real term for it says Wikipedia. Feel free to use that term to impress the ladies tonight Raymond, just ask if they’d like to merge kinespheres or somethin like that). Anyways, it seems to me that people are forgetting what the fock personal space is these days. Living in LA, the most f’in spread out city in the world, you woulda thought people would use that extra space to maaaybe, just maybe, stay out your grill. Guess that just isn’t the case. I started to notice this problem about a month ago when I was standing in the checkout line at the grocery store grabbing something for lunch on my way to work. I get in line then this old dude gets in line behind me standin’ maaaaad close like he’s tryin to get some body heat off me. At first I figured, eh maybe he’s not paying attention and is off looking at something else and doesn’t realize how close he’s standin, so the line moves forward, I take a step…so does he, and now he’s standing even closer, wtf. I felt like Chris on an episode of Family Guy with this dude (picture to meet post quota):

Standing right up my butt isn’t gonna make the line go any faster buddy, not really sure what his deal was. My apologies if you just have really, really…really bad vision sir. I had a couple of other examples but after writing them up the first time I’m too lazy now to do it again. One involved children pretty much grabbing me while in line at Disneyland while their parents did absolutely nothing and no I’m not down like the Pedo. And the other recent instance involved some dude I was sitting next to on a plane twitchin his leg against mine like he was tryin to start a fire, seriously, wtf?

So yeah, check yo self people, otherwise I might just sneeze on your face next time so you realize why standing too close to someone isn’t a great idea.

Oh, onto the certifications, lets keep it simple and quick this time folks cuz I’m a nerd and a fan of the kiss principle (look that ish up on google if you ain’t down with them nerd terms):
1) Pass
2) Pass
3) Pass
4) Hmmm, rrrrr, dang guess you did get me with that kryptonite Raymond but that pic you posted is not quality. Eh, guess I’m gonna have to go with a P-A-S-S. Maybe if you post a better pic we can change that ruling. We got some standards to maintain around here and none of thems bees on that Miss Chriqui level. And no I’m not just bitter cuz you turned down my submission for certification last time, you blind mother-f’er.

Just wanted to wrap it up with a concrats to the millieman on the big Q and a-leezie on turnin soft. Who wulda thunk it, snaps ya’ll, what’s next tpain not having a motorcycle? Raymoondo not dating three (to five) black girls? Man the world’s a crazy place these days.

Wow, this really just turned into an open letter to Raymond (I blame this on his recent online absence)…..hmmm, well I hope it was at least somewhat entertaining for the rest of you.

till later this month (I’m tryin to maintain that one-post-a-month average and last month I was sluffin),
t-pizzle

Blame it on the ah-ah-ah-al-cohol…

Don’t feel like typing much with the NBA playoffs going on (go houston rockets!), so here’s a short post I had saved on another comp. I’ll be back with something more tasty later on. ~wheredafuckistpain~

*The following list is posted here, cuz I’m sure some people on FB wouldn’t be able to handle the realness of it all. It is in response to those lists of “25 random things about yourself” that took over FB a while back.*

So I took a break from my busy schedule of sitting and sleeping to draft up a list of 25 random facts about myself. Read on as I pour out my heart and inner-most feelings…

1. If you knew what I was thinking all the time, you would LOL and think I’m crazy.

2. I like simple things. If I could, I would use Notepad for everything and store only a butcher’s knife and pair of chopsticks in my kitchen.

3. When meeting new people, I subconsciously ignore their name. So if I actually know your name, congrats, you’re either someone I see on a regular basis, a good friend, or a hot breezy.

4. Sometimes I like to drive with my eyes closed, just to see how long I can drive without sight. This all stopped on August 21, 2006… not because something happened, just cuz I felt like it.

5. The overall size of my head is ridiculous. I keep my hair short in hopes of disguising the enormity of it all.

6. If I could be anything other than what I am, I would be a panda. I would sit there all day, eat bamboo, reproduce little panda babies, and straight lounge in the forest. Get too close though, and I’d choke your ass out.

7. I never speak like I write. This is partly attributed to my poor orator skills and partly my way of holding onto my gangsta-ness, even in a corporate environment.

8. One of my goals is to travel to every continent, then I could finally be the first black man on Antarctica.

9. I am very loyal, almost to a fault, similar to a dog. On the flip side, cross the line, and I am very stubborn, similar to a rock.

10. I am not good friends with anyone who cannot make me laugh.

11. I don’t know how to give compliments very well, so if I don’t give you some props, its not cuz I’m a hater. I just feel weird saying things like ‘wow, you look gorgeous’ or ‘you’re very good at washing those dishes’.

12. I sit in meetings and make funny/awkward faces to see who else is not paying attention.

13. I’ve been depressed ever since 2003, when my goal of dunking in high school never came to fruition.

14. If I could, I would wear sweat pants everywhere. Then when I get home, I’d put on dress pants, just to blow your mind. I’m special like that.

15. I like to use humor in all situations, especially to make things more awkward.

16. I used to take pencil fighting pretty seriously. If you’ve ever cheated at pencil fighting, then you know what I’m sayin.

17. I am self-conscious. For instance, I think I sound weird when I pronounce words like ’swirl’ and ’squirrel’, so I pause, then employ substitute phrases like ‘mix that shit around’ and ‘look at that brown shit eating nuts’.

18. If I were rich, I would become a chef, and open up my FUCK YOU restaurant. I would serve all sorts of crazy, but tasty combinations that will be listed in the menu with inordinate amounts of profanity (eg. the pussy bitch burger with cocksauce). I will then have a heart attack and die within a year while laying in bed with Meagan Good.

19. I’ve learned that there will always be someone better than you at something. For example, Lebron would undoubtedly smash me on the bball court… but switch that to bball in a swimming pool, and like all black people, he will dissolve.

20. I like to read famous quotes and make quotes out of song lyrics.

21. If I were black, my name would be De’Andre and I would properly enunciate the ending of words. I would be a music-producing phenom and eat everything with a side of hot sauce and ranch, even ice cream. I would walk around with white paint around my ankles, so it looked like I always wore a fresh pair of socks.

22. If I were white, my name would be Sebastien and I would speak with an English accent. I would live in a condo on the eastside and be irresistable to asian girls fresh out of college. My face would show up in your dreams at night, making you feel insecure about your sexual preference.

23. Often times when someone is talking to me, I ponder what would happen if I just randomly hugged the person or socked them in the face. One day I will do more than just ponder the outcome…

24. I never looked forward to growing older. Not when I was a kid, not when I was 20, and not now. I would bust out the Toys ‘r us kids song right now, but Geoffrey the Giraffe didn’t come to the ghetto, so I don’t know how it goes.

25. Everyday I wake up hoping that I will have regained 2 of my 5 senses, but I frown knowing that I will forever lack the ability to smell and taste. Yeah, I wanted to leave you on a somber note.

And because I don’t like leaving y’all without something to analyze, here’s a new female up for SorP certification… Kelly Monaco:

I’ve posted them wholesome (safe for Eric’s kids) type of pics here. Feel free to do a Google image search for them nice Maxim/FHM type photos or here’s some links for the lazy AKA tpain (hot, hotter, and HOTTEST)… OUTRO.

-el raymundo

can’t get you outta my system…

She’s back! Miss Keri, baby.

News of her album droppin on 3/24 was music to my ears, just like her album is… music to my ears. Yes, her album in its entirety has leaked again. Find your own link or copz it in stores. I feel kind of bad, cuz apparently that’s what delayed her album in the first place, but you know how I do.

After watching the following video, her hotness is obviously on that beyonce/a-keys level, if not higher (that’s Meagan Good territory). Certify me with that Jungle Fever stamp, son!

Imagine waking up next to that every day. GAH!

So after listenin through ‘In A Perfect World’ a few times and other previously leaked tracks, here’s what pops off as Miss Keri’s notable bangers:

On the album: Knock You Down, Intuition, Change Me (Prob second best ‘new’ song on the album), Energy, and Where Did He Go. Pretty much every song is at least decent, except Set Your Money Up and Return the Favor. Timbaland is fallin off…

Not on the album: Mic Check (how is this NOT on the album?!?), Do It, Control Me, Luv Ya, What Channel, Turnin Me On Remix Ft. T-Pain & Lil Wayne (wayyy better than the original), and Promise in the Dark.

Honorable mention: Wrong When You’re Gone. Apparently she wrote this song for JLo and sang a sample of it (cuz JLo can’t sing for shiz). Well the snippet leaked and she obv KILT it; whereas JLo’s version sucks toes. Please re-record this and put it out baby! JLo’s version for reference: puertoricanssuckdicks.

Best new track (best click the link son!): Alienated. Its prob the hottest track from her since ‘Energy’ and I’ve had it on repeat non-stop. Real classic love-in-the-summer banger. Beat, lyrics, and vocals are all on point. The song even ends well with a nice little ding-ding-do-dou-do-ding-ding.

Random pic of Meagan Good… cuz there was too much dense text. She’s hottt in nig & white photo.

Its March Madness time snigs. Please believe my Thursday/Friday will comprise chatting/trash talking online (cuz my coworkers ain’t down for the crown) and monitoring sports.yahoo.com all day. I’ve posted one of my NCAA brackets for all the world to see. I suggest you fill one out and see if you can beat me. These predictions are pretty much a guessing game, and they’re easier to do than pummeling t-pain at Gears of War 2.

THE NCAA Bracket 2009 This is a link cuz homoWordPress doesn’t support .bmp files. WTF?

Speaking of gow2, this game is ridiculously addictive. Its like sex with crack, mixed with a bit of meth on the side. No lie. I’ve been tempted to just stay home from work and play gow2 all day and eat pistachio crackers with kool-aid. I imagine that how’s these mo’fockers that be killin me constantly get sooo good.

The verdict is in on Minka Kelly… PIZZ-ASS. I mean, well, not pass. Please believe I would smash that if I found her laying in my bed/chair/ground/passenger seat, but she’s nothing more than a poor man’s Emmanuelle Chiriqui. And if you don’t know, now you know…

Since t-pain had the courage to bring up a breezy for voting, I shall do the same. Hello y’all, please meet Megan Fox (two pics, cuz she’s worth the extra download time).

Well, she’s not exactly unknown, but I think she has a good chance of being certified as A) she’s crazy FOXy, B) she was in an animated film t-pain adores, and C) she’s not black. t-pain despises girls of his own color. self-racism is a bitch.

Just cuz I gots the time, I’ll provide one more candidate for SorP certification. I know she’s already a strong candidate cuz she’s part Chinese, which is t-pain’s kryptonite. Just like mine’s are fried foods, fast women, and pandas. Mmm Kelly Hu. You make me want to sit in the dark and watch re-runs of Nash Bridges all night long. By the way, that show was focking awesome.

Don’t forget to check out new episodes of the best hak-gwei show on tv right now: The Game. Hopefully it won’t be the next in the long line of black comedies to get cancelled.

Before I leave, big shouts to the nig for holding it down in LA. Them pics of the PCH are sweet. Next time i’ll post the vid of me and El Spic-o riding dirty on that freeway. Props on the new wHip too. Glad you got the 19s to make the ladies swoon; and the leather, so the breezies won’t stain the interior. Don’t sweat the popo’s down there vato, i’m sure they’re just jealous seeing a dark-skinned nig pushin that sweet black ass. wtf am i even talking about anymore?

Must be time to end this, till next time SNEEgroes…

-mr. RAYsin

jigga what?

Just some random stuff for this post. Guess I was waiting to come across something of substance to write about but nothing really materialized. So I’m just gonna jump around here.

So I finally gave in and got a car last month (and have gotten 4 parking tickets already, more on that later). Getting from Hollywood to Venice on the bus was gettin real old. Here is a pic from the top of the garage where I park her.

Hopefully I’ll get some better ones when I figure out where my tripod is. Commute still takes 40-60 minutes one way but no more smelly bus rides or worrying that I’m gonna get shot, which happened on some bus on Crenshaw a couple weeks ago, which is the street I was catching my second bus on. Now everyday on my way in instead, I just think about skipping my exit and staying on the freeway which in a couple miles goes to the coast and the PCH.

IE this:

and further up the road this:

One day I’ll do it again…

Also I’ve decided to get rid of the bike. After a too close encounter with a F150 and a driver who didn’t want to stop after his lil’ love tap, I figured its probably time. Not having a real garage down here sucks and people are just too crazy on the roads. No regrets with the bike though and I think I’ll get another one someday down the road, just time for a break. R1 next maybe? 1098? Dualsport? Who knows. I’ll probably end up on a Harley. Jeebus, please sock me in the face if that does happen. Pics of the R6 for reference.

Back to parking tickets. As a public service announcement to anybody: LA meter maids are bizzatches. I’ve gotten 4 tickets now for not having plates. How come I don’t have plates? Because I just got the car, if you bothered to look on the dash where my temp registration is exactly where its supposed to be you’d know that. So LA isn’t so strict about speeding like they bees in the Seatown but man they make up for it with parking tickets. First ticket I got down here about six months ago was for leaving the bike in a no-parking 10am-12pm zone. I got the ticket at 10:04am. Ugg.

What else…oh, so I rented this highly hyped (by our co-blogger) movie called “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” and… it will not be getting SOP certified. There were some funny moments and Miss Kuniz was lookin good but its not on the required top level for certification. I think Raymond is just really in love with the guy from How I Met Your Mother and in this movie you see ALL of him.

Something, err someone I do think we should certify though. One of the actresses from Friday Night Lights, Minka Kelly. Snaps son. Its been a while since I had anything to add to the “breezies” section so you know this had to be good. I’ll let the pics speak for themselves.

I’d been hearin about this show for a while and finally caught a few episodes, worth checking out (for more than the above) if you enjoy dramas.

I’ll close it out with a few excepts from recent conversations w/my co-blogger. He entertains me like Mr. Chi City. The day is quite a bit more boring when he isn’t online, which luckily isn’t too often. Names changed upon request to protect the innocent, haha. Like no one knows who he is. Also this is the name he requested to be used.

BigNig: do they block porn sites out there?
Lee: ummm yeah i think so
they regulate a lot of stuff
BigNig: try googling baby sex or something
and see what happens

BigNig: damn that sounds fun
link me up to the ad when you post it
me: aight
don’t think it will match your snow one tho
BigNig: yous silly
like a goose
foxtrot
beenie babies
big boppers
me: yous mad random sometimes
BigNig: man i feel like michael phelps right now
baaaaked
if i knew what that felt like, i imagine its like now

BigNig: oh man, i better be careful
i just went to the bathroom and on my way there, i saw this old guy i usually say hi, hows it going to and today for some reason, i saluted him, and said how goes it good thing it was like an army salute, and not like a hitler one

me: how’s miss hilson
and you’re teasin me with a new blog post?
or telling me to post
BigNig: BOTh
she’s resting
i just ‘chris brown’ed her

BigNig: outro
see you tonight hopefully
if im not on xbl
pls call me
as i may have died or something
peace

me: what does that mean
BigNig: i dunno
sometimes i say shit
and it doesnt mean anything

Til next time-which might be a while, I’m on a mission to get to the top rank on COD4. And yea, Fuck that GOW game. I said it.

-tpain